Vol. 2 No. 37 May 26, 2006


The Bogus Economist
Doggone


As far as I'm concerned, there are only three kinds of dogs. Never mind the American Kennel Club which claims there are over 400 breeds organized into seven groups plus an unimaginable number of combinations and permutations. I claim there are only three and that's the way it is: there are dogs that go Yip, dogs that go Arf and dogs that go Woof. Period. To satisfy the purists, I admit there is one breed, the Basenji, which does not bark, but if it did, it would go Arf.
Each of the three major categories has its champions. Yippies claim their dogs are cute, easily transported and are ideal for small homes and apartments. Arf owners boast the largest variety in shapes and colors and Woofers point to the safety factor that comes with a pet which, in some cases, can stand on its hind legs and look you in the eye. All agree that dogs are loyal, intelligent and infinitely preferable to cats, which are selfish, perfidious and seldom do tricks. When a cat plays dead, for instance, it usually stays that way. Also, cats do not catch frisbees in mid-air or point out locations of game birds. In addition, dog owners add snidely, dogs do not generally get stuck in trees.
There are puzzlements about dogs, though, especially concerning dogs that go Yip. Years ago, my grandmother owned a toy Manchester named Little Bit, which was about the size of a well-developed rat. My wife and I had two Great Danes. Siboney, the smaller, weighed about 135 pounds while Brandybuck tipped the scales around 160. Both dogs lived in mortal terror of Little Bit. I have seen them get up from comfortable places by the fire and head for the kitchen when Little Bit pattered into the room. Either could have used Little Bit as a toothpick, but for some reason decided not to. Strength of will, perhaps.
Arfs are totally unpredictable. My daughter's Arf, Keesha, is one of the sweetest dogs I have ever scratched behind the ears. Other Arfs wait patiently for a chance to bite your arm off. Most dogs that atempt to tear the tires off cars are Arfs. Smaller Arfs prefer bicycles.
With Yips, you always have to watch your ankles. Many of them have an inferiority complex masked by aggression. Little Bit, I feel, would have had no hesitation attacking King Kong. The idea of consequences seldom occurs to Yips. When a Yip has something to say, it can generally say it for hours. Anyone who has stayed in a motel next door to a Yip can testify to this.
Woofs, although capable of great bodily harm, seldom live up to their often fearsome appearances. Both our Danes were gentle giants. Their menace was a potential one. Visiting insurance salesmen kept looking at them and thinking, "Would it be OK if I got up or would they decide it was dinner time?" That said, however, when sufficiently provoked, Woofs are not good to have on the other side of an argument.
At the risk of seeming disrespectful, politicians can fall into the same three categories as dogs. In previous columns, I have compared Secretary of State Don Rumsfeld to a Basset hound and Senator Joe Lieberman to a Cocker spaniel. Both are Arfs. Dick Cheney and Tom Delay are Yips. So is Howard Dean. Former Federal Reserve head Alan Greenspan is a Woof. The woofness of his successor, Ben Bernanke, is still to be determined. Most potential presidential candidates, including Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice, are Yips or Arfs except John McCain and Barack Obama, who are Woofs.
President Bush is a Yip.
Every member of Congress could be classified if it weren't for the constant growling and snapping going on while Members fight for the bones provided by various interest groups. Getting in the middle of fighting like this can be dangerous. Sometimes, Representatives and Senators have been seen foaming at the mouth during debates, which can either be a sign of rabies or a common congressional sickness, pigoutitis, caught by spending too much time around pork barrels.
It's interesting to muse, though, about the kind of dog/person America needs. He or she should have, ideally, the dignity of a Woof, the versatility of an Arf and the fearlessness of a Yip. We could call this mixture a Yoorf. Among Yoorf rules, we find gems like:
· Never let your bark be worse than your bite. Lead by example.
· There's always more than one way to skin a cat. Take your time.Think.
· Don't be a dog in the manger. Listen to others. Admit mistakes.
· Let sleeping dogs lie – if things ain't broke, don't fix 'em.
For the rest of us, now that we've chosen up sides for 2006, it might be a good plan to keep a tight leash on capaign rhetoric. The winners’ job is to put the country ahead of personal gain and the welfare of every American ahead of political advantage. Our job is to demand they keep their heads out of the dog dish and spend more time guarding the house. If we don’t think they will, general elections are a great time to clean up the kennel.

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The Bogus Economist © 2006  ¶ 9:24 PM